Developing your engaging skills

Everybody gets in the lift and the lift starts working its way up. during those 30 seconds, nobody, NOBODY says a word, we are in the same space, confined, we can feel the breath of the man in the suit behind us, the lady on your side might be the woman of your life, the man on the right might be your perfect client, this little bald man behind you could be your best friend and yet, for this little period nobody talks. What if somebody said something, what if somebody said something. the truth is most of the time, the person that will talk will perceived as intrusive! what the heck, it is a lift not a speed dating service... Well, for some people it is easier to engage somebody you do not know than for some others, how do they do that? in what state of mind are they? What is their purpose?

What are they going to think about me?

Imagine a world where everybody would just talk freely to their neighbors and to every stranger. What basis would a world like that imply. Everybody would be fearless, non-judgmental, OK with themselves. Why isn’t this happening in the real world?

The foundations

When 2 people (that do not know each other) talk for the first time, the factor that takes importance is judgment. You are going to be judged and you are going to judge the other person. You are going to receive appreciation or depreciative. You worry about this judgment (What is he/she going to think of me? My mom always wanted me to be intelligent, I have to say something intelligent, something intelligent please come out of my mouth!!!) And That is going to affect you. Why?

At the beginning was the craving for love and care

Well, it all starts inside. Our desire to be loved and appreciated is intricate to our nature. From the minute we are born we need that appreciation. If you grow up normally, and end up receiving love and affection, you build self-esteem. You know what you are worth and other people’s points of views are not that important. When you feel a little less self-assured, you start placing more importance than necessary on what others think. Carl Jung illustrated some behaviors as people pleasers (people who want to please others to feel loved).

Be happy with yourself

The first step to having better engaging skills is to have a better self-esteem (easier said than done). You have to satisfy yourself, you have to be happy with yourself. You have to wake up every day and think ¨I am happy with who I am¨ and ¨I am doing great given the circumstances of my life¨, making somebody else happy is going to make you happy a little bit but then you will be deceived when the favor is not returned. When you give to yourself, you instantly receive. You can give attention, you can give praise, and you will instantly receive the praise and the attention. At this point, you can start going out and mingle with people.

Dealing with the apprehension

Once you understand that most of the praise you receive is from yourself, you are in a better position not to expect anything from others. And that is a good thing! Suddenly, a lot of pressure, a lot of fear gets alleviated. There is nothing to expect from the other person. My old boss used to tell me this when I had to make calls into very important people for the needs of my job. Those people are like you and I, you reach out to them and if it does not work out you get to the next person. Some people go in conversations hoping to find a therapist, hoping the next person they are going to cross is going to have to be their best friend. You can’t expect that from somebody. The smaller importance you give the more relax you are, and the easier the conversation goes.

First steps

There are multiple levels of conversations, and the one that starts a conversation is the small talk. In small talk you talk about everything but the important stuff. It is a s impersonal as it can be. The traffic this morning, the weather today make small talk, every matter that does not imply personal involvement. It seems trivial but it is important, this little exchange is a first step, a first step to longer conversations, to possible friendships, to the love of your life. Yet, lots of conversations end right here.

What to talk about first

You can talk about everything, the people who succeed the best at that are people who use humor. Subtle humor is a delicatessen of small talk. Sure you can talk about the weather at first to do your teeth, the problem with the weather is that it is not very original, not very creative. Succeeding in small talk (i.e going through small talk to a deeper level of sensation) calls for originality. During the 10 seconds to 5 minutes of small talk that are going to happen, you are going to create interest, originality. You see why humor is welcomed, you create a direct connection with your talking partner, and if you laugh he said something you did not expect. Some people will count more on their knowledge. A man told me once that the temperature on this Thursday was the highest on a day of February in the history of meteorology. At least he taught me something. Also choose a topic that is broad enough so that only experts can talk about it.

Positioning

Once you passed the chit chat part of the conversation, you get onto positioning. You are basically going to position yourself in the space of your partner and so is he going to do with you. You get into a relatively personal conversation. Your interlocutor can say where he works, how he is related to you, he can also move on and tell more about his opinions, his views, his beliefs. You can tell your point of view about politics, government policies, etc… In this phase, it is very important to ask questions, good questions (we will get to that in another article, there is a lot to say about questions), it is also important to have point of views, to have knowledge in order to discuss. Read books, hear people talking, the topics get deeper in this part of the conversation/relationships.

The deeper level

At a certain point, you feel close to the person you are talking with that you can disclose more personal feelings. Yes, the situation with your family, how you miss your ex, how your son is giving you trouble, how your wife cheated on you. You can talk about all of that. Finally, your friend can also be your therapist (but not all the time, hey, anyway I let you wing it).

How do you practice

First of all, a new level of awareness:

Wake up in the morning and say to yourself, that you love yourself, that you do not need anybody to love yourself

You can do the same thing at night before sleeping, do it for a week and see how you feel. Is this affecting your way to deal with people

Meditation. We spend lots of time worrying about stuff, not important matters, just stuff, doing awareness meditation helps you focus on the present and it makes you comer for when you meet with people

Once you know the details, you can ask the questions, something not said is also a detail, you can go in every corner.

Be positive, if you are sad you will not succeed as highly.

Pick up mentors and observe them, there are people out there that are just good at it, look at them and try imitating them

Be okay with yourself, one day you might be good or you might not, but right now you are doing it and if it works great and if it does not big deal!! You are not going to die from this (and that is a good thing learning rejection at times, even though it is not forcedly the purpose)

Enjoy, find pleasure in doing it, find pleasure in pushing your comfort zone

Chit-Chat:

You have to be slick so while pushing yourself, try to still understand the first concept of this article, you have got to be cool and trust yourself it will take a lot of the pressure off your shoulders and you will feel better.

Pay attention to details, they are your ticket to a good conversation, a man trudging, or a bruise, a nice dress, a particular smile on a face. ++++ One hour a day for a week, focus on details on people see feel how easier it is to angage conversation once you have information to deal with

Decide to walk one day to work or to the coffee shop, and to address anyone that you meet, the lady waiting with you at light, the man walking his dog, go to social venues (toastmaster, a friend’s party, a cocktail party. You can do this more often if you feel so.

A good way is to go to the mall, and just talk to people, first asking your way, then trying to enter a conversation, until you can talk to everybody. Do it twice, once to see how hard it is, the second to see how you improved, and if you want to keep doing then do it.

Take advantage of every opportunity. There are lots of motivation books out there that mention how focus affects you in a particular way, if you focus on doing that, you will make more efforts and learn

Quantity is good at first to make you go beyond apprehension but then focus on quality and on being yourself, that is what matters, being happy with yourself.

At some point you are doing more than engaging skills, I leave that up to you. You can look at the video for some examples. I hope this article opened your eyes and taught you one thing, at least one. Have symbiotic talks with your siblings.

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